Nights

Ohi!!!

What has happen to me mate!!!! I’s getting worried. (…… Ali G effects)

Well certainly the night and silence (except crickets and guard’s chattering) is beautiful. But what made me sleep comfy is the chopper fan I have, the soothing sound acts like a humming and some times lullaby. All the other sounds and sound of silence is taken over by refined lullaby of the chopper fan….

Tender is the night

Who said that the night is quiet, maybe had never listen to the night. Or maybe it is just a way-of-saying that the night is silent. The fact is that the night is not silent, it just has different kind of noises. Some noises which don't exist during the day, some others that exist but that during the sunlight are covered by others which are stronger, or by our voices, by our cars, buy the schools students playing in the yard, people talking, motorbikes passing...
So when all these activities calm down, we finally listen to the silence, or better we listen to Voinjama night: the crickets and the night birds, the steps of a guard checking around, the movement of the breeze on the grass, something dropping on the roof which I can't identify.
Some water suddenly running in the courtyard, the wood expanding and flex due to the change in the temperature, sometimes from the distance pakbat prayer and some music coming from the village.
And again, as a constant rythm, the loud voice of the crickets and grasshoppers. An insect jumps in a corner of the room, a door opens slowly, small stones crackle from the street.
Tender is the night, when it sounds like silence.

Thankful

I think that life sometimes give us the opportunity of crossing our way with very special persons, in such a way that it does not seem by chance.
So today I want to give a very special thanks to a person who I know won't ever read this blog and who barely read his e-mail. To a person so human in his work to be sometimes unfair, double minded, twisted, arbitrary, childish, incomprehnsible, but so great to create perfection from imperfection. So special to build credibility and respect from nothing, so special to know that nobody of us will ever forgive what we shared.
I want to give my special thanks to a teacher, a friend and to an extraordinary meeting.
Because if there is ever something special that I'm reaching today in my work, I know that I own it to him.

Work and Personal life

Seemingly, the mission life is making us someone we are not!!! If you ask me that, if I ever wanted to be the person I am, my reply would be no. But in reality that is what I have become. Not accepting it is a personal choice, but once accepted it will bring you to a “Y” Junction of life, where path will split in to two. One will lead you be the “humanitarian worker”, who ends up giving out every thing for the cause, personal life and family life would be the cost. The other might be a difficult, is to stick to you what you wanted to be and staying like that you might not get the virus of humanitarian working. Both have +ve and –ve sides. I do enjoy my work and the feeling that my work has direct impact on human lives, but I certainly do not want to become like many senior humanitarian workers, I have seen many in there old life they have done enough and close to retirement they have no family to turn to. Selfish though, but that is the way I think. Things that lead to life with no family life, I would rather resist no matter how enjoyable they are. Call me crazy, but that how I want to think.

Yupee!!!

Well well well!!! look who is back on blog...... Its good to have you back and suddenly, i felt that when I go back to the house, Naho would come back from the office after six and we will plan what to eat....

By the way, about the picture, that is the only one I have off you and since you were being absent from bolg for long. I thought of just keeping you on the blog, and that the best I could come up with... hehehehehehe!!!!!!!!

Distance...

After Yasir sneaks the photo into OUR blog, it is time for me to come back!!! Well well some people do naughty things while they think they are not being watched!!! (:D).
Well, seriously, it is amazing how much was posted in the past 1 month... and believe me, reading the postings immediately brings me back to Voinjama... to you all who I miss.

I see our unchanged themes--being here, wanting to be somewhere, wanting to have the REAL life. and I think I, having a bit of distance from the mission life, have to say....
I want to be back with you guys, in the mud, in the challenging (stressful??) life... at the same time, I want to be here back home, enjoying my hus's company, all the cultural opportunities and conveniences...


I don't know, the life there seems much more real looking from here.... It is maybe because I still don't put my root down to the Tokyo Life completely (my friends had had 6 years of their lives without me after all...), but I feel like I am skidding on the surface...so many things to do, so many things to pay attention that I cannot focus enough... At least in the mission, I was focusing on the dayly life... on making an effort to have an enjoyable day...

beauty and beast

Tear, may be crocodile, can release pressure and tension. Its good to shed few tears hear and there. Talking about tear, we must also look at the fact, that if they are difficult to come by, we can also take the support of onions. Get 5 or 6 onions. Choose a place where ventilation is less and chop them in piece. Tears are guarantee.

Well, talking about tears, we can always associate complaining with it. Cause you don’t cry if you don’t have any complain. Also one more benefit of complaining is that you tend to find topic to discuss isn’t it  Moving further to little discussion on mission life, it has beauty and horror. We can even call it beauty and beast……. You can yourself guess what is beauty and what is beast!!!!

Tired

Tired of inconstance and complaining, tired of "crocodile tears" and blaming, tired of the-not- enjoying-life feeling, tired of moody person, tired of the always-want- to-be somewhere-else refrain. Deeply sad and tired. We always think that what we really like is not where we are, and instead we can't imagine that we may miss it one day, when we don't have it anymore. I personally hated Liberia at my arrival and I really wished to be somewhere else as soon as possible. Now at least I accept it. And I can see what I will miss. And I can see what I enjoy and I can see that I like mission life, or at least, that working in this job context is what I find interesting. I wish of course a lot of other things and I hope it's possible to achieve them, even if they seem contradictory to mission life. I did not give up with them. It's just that I'm also appreciating other things that are crossing my way. And I know, that even if I don't want them forever, they will come back to my mind extremely present one day, and I will miss them.

The beautiful Naho

Mind

Well, have thought a lot about some important things in past few days. Finally I do come to conclusion that it is very temporary, with no feeling of belonging to this situation. Voinjama will pass as Khartoum passed. Some good some bad, but it will pass (Well it is passing right through my a*se).

Certainly, after much twisted and difficult days of Voinjama, I sure will return to my life, which I left back. Though much of friend have gone and moved on, but it is something, I at this very moment dying to have. Just few more days and some thing better will show up. Just hoping for something good soon.

Well, to be honest, neither Voinjama nor any where else it difficult. Its minds mysterious ways of rationalizing irrational things and justifying the incorrect things makes it more difficult. The tricky part is when your mind takes you to the corner of emptiness, physical environment doesn’t matter. Strange but true and that is were I lose sometime, the right way to do things.

Empty space

Today I've an empty head. If I look inside it, I just see the Zorzor-Voinjama road, the CST meeting, Foya higway, an old muddy bypass, Foya market...that's it. Somehow is reassuring.
The scenes of this place finally got inside my thoughts and now I appreciate a lot of them. And a lot of other constant thoughts are just quiet, not that constant anymore. It's surprising falling into account that I forgot to think about the mentioned constant thoughts.

Belief

If you look at it a simple word!! But when you look at it deeper it is the basis of difference in every human being. We are different cause we belief in different things. Physical difference is not important, it can be altered, but what belief we believe makes us what we are.

Importantly, sometimes we change our belief that is were we get people confused, cause we just couldn’t understand that our changed belief has caused us to change and others are cannot see the changed belief, they just see the change person!

Competition and showing off

Once a schoolmate in the elementary school gave a party and his parents (we were 6 years old) organized the whole day as a pic-nic in a big public park. They also set up competitions, like hurdle race, high jumping, run-in-a-bag...I remember when I was told about the competition part: I still feel this pain in my stomach and the immediate wish of being somewhere else or of being sick for some reason, so I had an excuse not to participate in the games.
Why should we have competition to have fun??? Can’t we just have a party, eat, chat, dance and if we want, set up our own games without necessarily being engaged in a competition??? Can we decide if we want to run in a bag or not??? Maybe I don’t like competition because it’s never on a voluntary base, you are always pushed to jump in.
In all the individual sports since I was a child I was always the last one, when it was about competition. It stressed me so much the idea that somebody had to get first, second, third and that there was a last one, that I decided to be automatically the last one and I was fine with it. Finally it's not a big deal. At least I was not stressed and I did not feel the tension and pain in my stomach.
So it is maybe for all this competition issue that people who like to show off really annoy me. Because they go back to the same point of having a first a second a third…do we really need a top ten all the times? At a social extent, they are boring with all their unnecessary talk and their I, I, I, I...and normally they are also liars, which is another annoying thing. And their real capacity of doing and performing everything they say is almost equal to zero. These people really piss me off and I meet them all the time. Sometimes I've to remember that I'm in an official context and it's better not to reply. Like when I come back from meetings really in a bad mood, as today for example.
Finally the way they are, it's not my real problem. As it was not for the first, second, third ranking issue at school competitions.

Injustice

Well we know the injustices of the system, people, less qualified are in higher positions, incompetent are getting better pays, and we always end up asking question why and some time frustrated. Honestly when I see some nerd driving a sport cars, (who does not even know what he is driving) I ask why. But that is life; we eventually learn to live with it. The key here is what ever we have we must be happy.

Well, that is something come up last night, doesn’t really make sense, but what the heck , I want to write about it…..

Red dust

Dry season is back again. All the mud will soon be dust.
Our clothes and shoes are again red of Voinjama dust.Our cars are full of dust, roads are full of dust. Where before we risked to get stuck in the mud, now we risk to crash against the approaching vehicle, invisible in a cloud of dust.
Mornings and nights are cool, evenings are perfumed with honey and flowers.
Sunsets glitter of red and orange light, and the trees look draw against the sky.

Get on highway!!!

Get on highway of life…. Bumps and bad patches comes, some time life path turns to be like Voinjama Foya, some time Vahun Highway…. But the spirit is to keep on moving and if we are side tracked, we should get on highway and keep on rolling

And I answer with a song

FRIDAY I'M IN LOVE

I don't care if Monday's blue
Tuesday's grey and Wednesday too
Thursday I don't care about you
It's Friday I'm in love

Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday Wednesday break my heart
Thursday doesn't even start
It's Friday I'm in love

......

sleepless - another Gothic song

Sleepless

And I often sigh
I often wonder why
I'm still here and I still cry

And I often cry
I often spill a tear
Over those not here
But still they are so near

Please ease my burden
And I still remember
A memory and I weep
In my broken sleep
The scars they cut so deep

Please ease my burden
Please ease my pain

Surely without war there would be no loss
Hence no mourning, no grief, no pain, no misery
No sleepless nights missing the dead... Oh, no more
No more war

Lyrics of song I feel close

NOTHING!

Hate ain't enough to describe me
Somewhere between screaming and crying
I'm not supposed to be here
I'm not supposed to be

When do I get to know why?
Bitter as the stink of when I try
I'm not supposed to be here
I'm not supposed to be

Pull your hands away
I'm gone - goodbye - it's so depressing
Withering away
Take a look - inside - my soul is missing
All I have is dead, so I'll take you with me
Feel like I'm erased - so kill me just in case

Everything around me's mine
Can't see through the sties in my eyes
I'm not supposed to be here
I'm not supposed to be

Scratching and clawing all the way
You won't let me f**king stay
I'm not supposed to be here
I'm not supposed to be

Is there another way to live?
Cuz it's the only way to die
I'm not supposed to be here
I'm not supposed to be

Who to blame!!!!

Well in mission life, we look forward to blame something for our depression and frustration. This morning I wake up very tired, but when I saw the sun shining and light coming through my window, I surely got in better mood. So I blame clouded morning for my morning blues!!!

Posi and Nega

Definitely one of my favorite favorite cartoons....

Negative and Positive

Chiara, agree with you completely...... and as promise I shall write today about being negative and positive....

Well, it just another delusion, let me show you how. There is a game which proves it. In a group of people if you whisper something in one’s ear and than it continued to be whispered from to another, till it reached the last person it is completely changed. Why, because every body has different ways of perceiving it. You might think that you are positive, but other may find it negative. Perception is the key. I wrote in my other post “life or Death” a theory, which is not entirely mine, is every thing real or it’s just our mind which has created these images and feelings. Strange though but if you look it with open point of view, you can see that might be true….. may be use Hollywood vision for few mins.

Define positive…. It’s the way you think things should be done. Well to be honest if every body starts thinking positive, there shouldn’t be any war or fight in the world. But that is not the thing, every body think that they are right and positively thinking.

Exactly, even though I can see that some times I talk about death, weird things and have depressed comments. But there is always a positive side to it. You might have to come down to us depressed people life to feel the positive side of it

And I'm back!

Come on guys, let's do it...let's update this blog, let's say we are still alive, because if I leave all the space to Yasir, we will all end up in depression, delusion and why not, death....
Come on man!
We don't know who we really are until life surprises us, until we find ourselves able to do what we did not expect to do, until we understand that this is also part of us, like our principles are part of us, our rules and our habits, which make us feel safe.
An unknow territory is scary and charming; is attractive and repulsive at the same time, and ok, it can be deceiving sometimes. So why are we trying so hard to reach the unknow territory?
Mission life is looking for habits to be safe again; but mission life is also breaking with our habits and still be safe; is a continuos discovery, and it's a gift. It's finding yourself stronger, it's finding yourself in an impossible situation, is finding yourself close to persons you would have never met in your reality and feeling them so specially close, even if we are so different. Even if you won't see them anymore. And it's wondering what these persons really know about you, and what kind of person you are. And it's wondering what do you really know about them. It's balance, it's falling down and stand up, it's consciousness and unconsciousness, it's smiling and cry, it's pleasure and pain, it's ending and start...and again, it's a gift.
Surprises are a gift. And keep on knowing ourselves is a gift. And it's a gift to discover every day what else is inside us that we did not know.
And it's great to understand that we are brave enough to face it, to love it and to deal with it.

Delusions

Delusional we are!!!

What is reality some time is not reality it’s a moment which when pass you’ll find yourself in delusion. Was it real or not!! Questions, many of them. What seems not reality, may actually hit hard as reality, when you are not ready. Well, chances are you might be in reality without knowing and thinking its not and may get it hard and lose what is holding yourself together. Seems confusing, but people would understand when they find themselves in the situation.

Sometimes we stood strong on the values we build up. It takes just one delusion to lose it, which might not be real. It might be, for some good for some bad, but when you come out of delusion, boom!!! There you are in state of confusion and feels like standing on no-man lands. Where to go, what to do, who to blame!!! Is it others or is it yourself. God its not what I wanted, expressions…..

It is strange, how many thin lines we are walking. They say life n death is like a walking on a thin line, it takes just a moment. Good and evil, another thin line, it takes just a moment to slip…. Well, what if the moment we are talking about is noting but delusion!!! There you are the confussed like a new born!!!

stuck in life

And that happens with every thing........ It ends. Exactly that is what happened to blog. We started very enthusiastically, passionate about our ideas, we started writing and commenting, was fun, but than reality struck and we got stuck in life. And like many other things it is drifting away towards end. Time is such a healer, you tend to forget thing, which at time you believed to be the end.

I wish we continue it, at least I am!!! Coz I am still stuck in mud