Going back

I hate going back to my mission. Really. From the day before I leave I start feeling nervous and sad. When I've to go back I'm always sure I want to end my contract as soon as possible.
Brussels may be a nice city. I'm sure it is. For me it is just a nevernding stop over, sad and lonely.
No matter if I go around, I eat chocolate or I do "compulsive shopping". It's always a no man's land, where time is too long and thoughts are too sad. Where I miss everybody and everything.
I don't want to go back to an empty city. I don't want to go back and say good bye here and there.
I hope monday comes soon, things are always better when you are inside them.

It is greed!

Yes, it is such a luxuary that you have options. A lot of people in the world don't (See the farmers in Lofa...the inequality of access to opportunities in this world is striking!)

So I guess the source of my stress at the moment is greed. I want them both! They are both interesting, they have their own attractions, quite different each other. The thought that I have to chose one and leave one behind make me sad. I know what I want, I want them both, but it is not possible.

Is it only me, or it is a human nature to be so greedy?

I know I will be OK. I've always been OK once I take on something. The most difficult is this moment when you have to decide to part from something you've liked, and move on....

Winning

Well yesterday, one of us had to decide what’s next... Options and factors!!!! Huh pressure.....

The good thing is, it’s a process and chance to redefine yourself. What we like at this moment might be hated in another, what we are scared of might be the most comfortable experiences. Yet the mind is too fragile to accept difficult. Any how this is the predicament of insecured life. You think it’s a catch 22 situation, but it’s the exact opposite. You are in win-win situation, no matter what you decide, it all depends on how you execute it and how you want to feel about it. All is the mind game, regret later should not be an option. Once you make a decision, take it on strong and consider you never had any other options. That the way you win!!!

Smile and feel better

I get stuck when I don't laugh enough....a smile is the best way of getting out of the mud.

Just stuck

Well thoughts are random, it’s weird that all of sudden you can switch between things and think about so many things in a moment. Last night I was watching a movie (Hanna and her sisters), old movie, and I was thinking about many things. I was amaze that even though I am thinking about so many things, I was still able to understand what’s going on in the movie and understand the dialogues.

Now this morning, when I started my PC the same multi thinking process came to mind and I start giving computer multi commands. It got stuck!!!

Do we some times get stuck as well, when we try to do too many things together? I wonder

Good life and negative feelings

Mmmm, a hamster in a perfectly happy circumstance can suddenly commit suicide, huh?
If a creature with such a limited mental capacity has that much complex emotions and impulses, think of how it would be for a human being... (No offence to humster lovers, but no one would insist that humsters are famous for their deep reflexion on the truth in the life? )

This somehow reminds me of my mom. She's been a happy housewife with a loving husband with good job, and two smart, pretty, well mannered daughters (of course one of them is me... he he he). But after her daughters left home for their own adult lives, she fell sick...with depression.

She had had a good life. Most of the people would say that she still had a good life even when she became sick and hospitalized. But she was not happy at all... I think I understand some of the major reasons of her negative feelings in the seemingly nice and comfortable life. They are inside her, they stem from the way she had structured her life, the way she set the aims in her life.

I'm not sure if you understand what I am trying to say, because I am not providing details sufficient to have you understand... well, I guess what I am trying to say is that the piece about carrot and coffee Yasir brought from somewhere is somehow right. It is not circumstances but your attitude that constitutes happiness.

Having seen her suffering closely, I am very careful (or at least trying to be) to structure my life... I think three of us are now in a sort of crucial stage of life in terms of designing our lives. A lot of choices we make in coming several years would make a foundation of the life afterwards.

I am happy that I am spending this important period in here, with you, with my work...

By the way, my mom has recovered and now enjoying her ever happy life.

Some anatomy

Some clue about pancreas:

The pancreas is an organ in the digestive system that serves two major functions:
exocrine - producing pancreatic juice containing digestive enzymes.
endocrine - producing several important hormones, including insulin.

So it's definetly an organ, why we have so many problems with it remains unknown.

This is my hamster!!!

Ehi but this picture looks exactly like Carotina, my loved hamster who committed suicide almost 14 years ago....
Yes, right also hamsters can have negative moments....anyway we never found the body, so we still hope that Carotina did not really jump from the balcony as appears, but just entered into some water tubes and end up somewhere else...And yes, SHE WAS HAPPY IN OUR HOUSE, so we are still wondering what happened, she had everything....
And to talk about pets, I remind you that the best and oldest remedy against rats is a cat......

Pets

So now we have a mouse in the house... Come to think of it, I had one also in the apartment where I lived in Monrivia. Actually my flatmates and I didn't mind so much of her, and felt sad when it got killed by out maid.
Strange?

Please see the picutuer of a pet of mine...she died several years ago in Tokyo. Such a lovely creature, don't you agree? This is why I cannot kill mice. As I purchase rat poison, my heart aches...

Well, people can have very different tastes for pets. I cannot imagine, for example, to have a crocodile as pets.

Rat/Mouse hunt

Rat Issue!!! Hey we need to do operation clean up for rats. We need to find another storage place for the food and try keeping the floor free.

Any may we keep all our food in the ai tight containers. Think about it......... i would also be trying to get some cement, if u can arrange do let me know. Other wise rat poison is a must.

Just being positive

Well their can be many things worng with us, a small pain can even become a cancer and we can die. That is why I keep on saying that we must enjoy the days we have and smile. You never know when your time is up.....

Look now after last night thrashing on being negative, I am trying to be very positive... isn't it :-)

Mens sana in corpore sano

Well well.....according to the reflexology map and considering the terrible pain I feel when Naho San, my wonderful japanese massage-expert-house mate, pushes a certain part of my feet I assume that I've problem in:
-Pancreas, waistline and transverse colon, plus some kind of diturb that involves kidney and stomach

Now, if it's true that when you have a good health you have everything and that "mens sana in corpore sano", I won't be surprise if one day I wake up totally crazy....
Ah...and by the way, I always thought that my big problem was my backache, but apparently is my pancreas...I always thought that life is full of suprises, that's why is amazing!!!

For our next session

Here's the chart of press points... now we'll know what is wrong with us during the sessions!
For example, I have bad circulation in my pancreas... but what is pancreas anyway?

Back to the basics

I often think about the reason I am here for....
I assume that we are all here with our free will. At least I am here because I want to... well, "here" doesn't necessarily have to be Voinjama, but the field, the "hardship duty station," in emergency setting. We've chosen to be here for our own reasons, knowing that some difficulties would inevitably entail.

Yasir last night said life is all about choices. I totally agree. I would like to add that choice is only important when you have to make it between two things you really want, when you have to give up, albeit momentarily, one goody instead of the other.
We gave up our "good life"...abandunt running water, nice restaurants, loved ones beside you...for what?

It helps me great deal to think about the reasons brought me here when I have doubts. It also helps me to evaluate the worthiness of being here... Am I getting what I thought I'd get before coming here? Are those things worth giving up the other nice things at the moment?

My answer to those questions for the moment are "yes to all."
I am living the life I chose. Bad moments, good moments, but after all, it is the most important thing.

Carrot, an egg and a Coffee - Something I found interesting

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.Turning to her daughter, she ask d, "Tell me what you see.""Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg andbreak it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, andunrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water."Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship orsome other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst,you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

Stuck in a farewell

In my mission life I've a lot of time to think about myself. To talk to myself. To learn about myself. My friend Annalisa says that I always analyze everything that is happening to me deeply and rationally. I think she is right: I split everything into smaller and smaller pieces trying to understand. And sometimes I get stuck. Stuck in the mud.
I understood that I'm not able to say good bye. I mean of course I'm able, I went to so many good farewell parties and apparently everything is fine. Also my "previous-mission-farewell party" was great.
But inside me something is wrong. I'm not able to deal with eternity. It's just too big and too unavoidable and my rationality too small. And what is worse is that I'm stubborn. And the small safe world that I built up with efforts falls down. I've to start again. And so here I am, with myself.

And because I refuse to accept a farewell sometimes I get stuck. Stuck in the mud. Again.

I THINK POSITIVE (not everyday, but I try)

wow....great start for our blog! beri-beri and bad day of mission life....
I think every moment is real, we want it or not, still is there and we are living it.
Are we conscious or not, there we are, when we dance in our house, when we complain about "water finishhhhhhhh", when we laught together, when we are depressed, when we watch a movie.
I'm happy this is real. I'm happy I feel it, also when is bad. And I'm happy of my "stuck in the mud" house mates.

Is this real

Well I have been thinking about the life and its mysteries, and last night all of sudden struck with the reality. We are not getting any younger and a day spent is a day less from our lives. What are we doing, are we doing humanitarian work, or just working for the big powers who have their hidden agenda behind every single penny donated. We miss out a lot and we miss out well. Not only us but all the people attached with it has problems with the lives we are living.

We are sharing a house, good and bad moments. But do you really thing that its real. What we are doing is surviving two months straight and live our life for the days we are on leave. Is this what all about and we are gonna get in this life, mere two weeks of being ourselves?

I think this is one of the depressing day in my mission life. Distance is a killer of every thing.

BERI BERI

Maybe it's not the best first message....but I told you that beri beri was quite famous....

I Causes
Beriberi is caused by a lack of thiamine. It is common in people whose diet consists mainly of polished white rice, which contains little or no thiamine, and in chronic alcoholics with impaired liver function. If a baby is fed the milk of a mother who suffers from a deficiency in thiamine, the child may develop beriberi.
The disease has been seen traditionally in people in Asian countries (especially in the nineteenth century and before) due to those countries' reliance on rice as a staple food.
[edit]

Symptoms and effects
There are two forms of the disease: wet beriberi and dry beriberi.
Wet beriberi affects the heart; it is sometimes fatal, as it causes a combination of heart failure and weakening of the capillary walls, which causes the peripheral tissues to become waterlogged. Dry beriberi causes wasting and partial paralysis resulting from damaged peripheral nerves

Here you go

So now we have our blog---as promised.