Mayhem

Mayhem literal meanings are chaos and confusion. Well if I use this world to have thing in my mind reflected in words, it might just be the right word. The chaotic routine of Monrovia has drilled its way into my spirits. I hardly find time to spare for certain alone moments to think about certain things in a day to realize that this would soon be over. I would may call is a therapy every day to keep the composure. But never ending thoughts of being lonely and alone in the life I never wished for. Things get particularly tough when in a group of 15 people you feel alone. Well, working for humans gives eternal satisfaction, but working with complicated humans gives ultimate frustration. The thoughts for and against sticking to current situation,…. Some times becomes too much and mayhem continues

Nowhere

A desert is a little bit a nowhere place. I mean, being in a desert is like being nowhere. As it is difficult to find reference points, it's difficult to state exactly where you are and move around finding a way. But you know that you are in a desert and this is heavy. Because you look around and it's neverending. You are nowhere.

So I think I'm nowhere. Even if I know where I am, I know what I do, I've like a remote control on my actions and feelings. Because everything is under the hot heavy painful desert air.

Sometimes I just would like to accept that I can't do this. Or on the contrary, accept everything and do not fight against it.

On your way in the desert, sometimes you come across an oasi.

Mine is glittering far in the distance, I may reach there again some day.

And it hits again!!!

Well coming back from leave, always bring new challenges for you from office back log to shortage of supplies. But one of the more fearing of all, which I had to deal with every time I return, is the home sickness… and today is the day….. I am down on my energies… This time I was much stronger, but just cant avoid it…. My mind is far away from the reality and I done want o work…. But this I am sure, that like every time it will pass sooner or later….

Once

Once an obstacle was a challange, to be overcome with a good impulse and make the path wide and free. Now, the same obstacle it's only a reason to be tired. Once, supporting a proposal was a conctructive step towards a wider view, now it's only a frustration.
Once we were friends and we enjoyed eachother company. Now we are far and lost in our own thoughts.
When everything changed, it's not always easy to state and maybe not even relevant. Because sometimes it's so easy to change everything in one minute and so difficult to go back. Impossible. We never go back. It's never like before.
Once I used to think that I had motivation for discussion and improvement. Today I think that I give up.

Dry season

In this country apparently, when it does not rain water it rains dust. Yes, it rains dust litteraly, you can realize it when you see your clothes, your hair becoming dry and entwisted, when you feel your eyes and your throath itching, when you can't stop caughin.
From Kolahun road, Voinjama looks like a old ghost village, like the one of the Far West movies, where the cow boy finally arrives to a town, thursty and, of course, dusty, searching for a tavern where he normally gets involved in some strange story.
When you get to Voinjama, you understand that dust or mud, people are carrying on the same small daily activities, they are still moving at the rhythm of some music in the background and they don't look really shocked about these kind of conditions. The white horse, a bit thinner, because probably in dry season there is less grass to eat, is anyway walking around and it looks at you with his peaceful and wise nice face.
And finally you understand that also us, now complaining for the mud, now complainig for the dust, we are carrying on our activities and finally we have accepted to live with the mud and the dust. And so you understand that you may be in a Far West movie, but in a different West, Voinjama town, Far West Africa.