Lonely

I think that maybe being adult and being a mission life person also means feeling alone in a deeper way. Or better, feeling on your own.
In these days I felt that no matter how many people I had or I searched around me to ask for advice, to share my doubts, my fears, my indecision, my expectations, I still felt alone. I felt anyway that the full weight of a decision is on me, no matter what it will be; it’s not sufficient anymore, to feel released, spending hours talking about it, or calling another person to ask for another opinion. The disturbing, anxiety, stressing feeling still remains in me and I'm not feeling better. And it’s not only because a lot of persons I wanted to talk with, are not reachable anymore, that I feel lonely. Still, I can see clearly all the pros and cons of the two or many ways, I can take and still I can see that whatever I chose I’m leaving something, I’m giving up with something and the consequences will be anyway on me. Maybe being used to mission life also means knowing what decision to take without too many doubts, emotions and sense of loyalty to commitments, persons, and agencies. It means maybe not having dobuts in front o a carrer for emotions.
But at the same time, being adult also means understanding that there is nothing that others can decide for us. I’ve always known that, but now I feel it and I really feel alone.

AFDS

Mates, these days I am suffering from new acquired disease, AFDS

Acquired French Deficiency Syndrome - its more dangerous than AIDS I presume.

Working hard getting no where.... French is becoming increasingly difficult, even last night dream was in French that is why could not understand a bit of it....

Nel blu dipinto di blu....

Apparently stuck in Italy due to burocracy (at least for what concerns my "couple" vacations), I'm rediscovering my own country and the blue Mediterranean...and swimming in its transparent green, turquoise, clear water, smelling the perfume of the pines, sunbathing under a light blue sky or walking in a shadowed wood, eating delicious fish on a terrace on top of the walls of some medieval small town, made me not regret any other place.
In my recent life there are a lot of contradictions, of things I want to do now, that I know I can do, but then for personal circumstances I'm not doing because somebody else can’t. But maybe I'm doing other things instead that really deserve. This trip to the south totally did.
In a few days I will be back to Liberia, maybe for a short while this time, maybe for longer than expected. This time home I really felt something different, I had difficult feelings, more desire of my own time and space, I felt the weight of some choices, of some sacrifices and renunciation.
But as usual, I loved the sea and I felt light swimming in the Mediterranean, in its blu dipinto di blu.

Hair Cut!!!

Well following me mate Naho! I thought it’s about time for me as well to get a hair cut. After about three months of being double minded about it I finally went the "Modern Saloon" on UN drive. Unsure of what to expect and little scared I entered to the Saloon to find out nobody there. Waited half a minute and was quite double minded, the man appeared from somewhere with a smile suggesting “too late pal, I am here and you are in for it”.

Against my will he dragged me to the area to wash my hair. Half willingly I sat on half wooden half aluminium chair and he shoved my neck in the slot of especially made hair wash basin. Well so far so good, I thought not bad eh! And I got a wake up call with ice cold water. Well I am not a hot water person, but when it comes to only hair was, get cold water not a great thing. Anyway, so my “hair stylist” started shampooing, with combination of cold water and mint shampoo affect my distracted mind started to get numb. Not after along, the cold water turned into hot boiling water, initially I thought that it is cold water giving mixed signals, but when I say stream coming out of my head, I know for a fact that my head is on fire.

After phase 1, towel was put on my head, which actually covered my face as well, I was taken to another chair, thought it may be electric chair but when towel was removed after through, I would say rubbing I could see its an hair dresser chair.

Without my glasses I could hard see thing, so I could actually see nothing just a blur picture of me sitting helpless covered in off-white piece of cloth. Than hear a voice from distance, in almost English language with Lebanese accent “how do I want it done”. I said “not to short, just give it a little shape”. And that was the mistake, he thought “short without shape”.

After that I could hear nothing but the crunching sound scissor. My blurry vision was also seeing huge chunks of hair falling. I was giving it a benefit of doubt that may be it’s not what I am seeing. I was so much deep in my thought that time went by and suddenly the sound of trimmer brought me back and than finally I heard “done”. So I put my glasses on and saw a different person with unexpectedly shorter hair and shape I never had in my life. With my eyes popped out I paid the guys and in state of denial I came back to guest house. I took me an half an hour exercise and long shower to except that it is done and nothing can be done now. And I am telling myself it not that bad, not that bad!!!! Hmmmm…… (screw that s*n of b*t*h)

Holidays!

And cows can fly.......

Well my always use to say "and cows can fly" when ever she believed I am making up things. If fit in the phrase in Liberian context every thing can fly. Again it happened that i caught guard sleeping soundly during the day and when i woke him and denial was the first thing and than he accused me that I am lying and he was not sleeping and he cannot do anything since its my words against his!!!!!!

When it comes to admitting mistakes it becomes really hard for Liberians to say sorry. They will tell you stories and narrate something simply in really superficial way that u can help it…. Surely for Liberians cows can fly……….

Update

Guys I have a twisted Update I am not going to Sudan, organization is sending me to somewhere I never dreamt of in my life... Wanna guess!!!!!!





Wrong, I have been appointed in DRC..... Yea that is right Congo, Kinshasa for three years - And yes I do not speak French Neither know this language.... But its a family duty station. It might be a good chance for me to learn French.... But imgain how stressful first few months would be....

Hair cut

Got haircut today and want to have opinions from my mates... But when you make comments, remember that the work has been done and there's no way back!!!

That is something else

Mate, I will tell you what....
That is not the age you are suffering from. That is what should be called repatriation syndrome. Since you know you are leaving the place for somewhere else, half of your mind is not here but already there. You are busy planning and expecting the new life there. With such a tempting distraction, few people can concentrate and drive themselves continue working on something that will not matter in your new life....

So, no, you are still young, but just currently in a temporaly limbo...

Confession

So today is my last day in Saclepea, tomorrow I am travelling back to Monrovia. Thought I should confess something to ease my guilt. My three weeks here, were suppose to bring positive change in messed up financial records. The reconciliation I was supposed to do was not simple but could be done with effort and devotion.

That’s what I failed to achieve. I had absolutely no devotion towards the mission term of reference and I did not work hard. Oops!! Sorry…. Couldn’t help it, mentally I was out of Liberia and was not interested in doing work. I was not that bad; I did influence the environment of the office and manage to finalize few out standing issues. But I could have put more effort.

One thing pissing me off is that instead of doing something I could of have done, I asked for external auditors mission, well off course I do not want to burn my ar*e in this fire. But this in not my personal trait, I could never think of leaving something open like that before.

May be it is the lesson of life that you can not always do what you are suppose to do. If I look back into Liberia’s two year, it has slowed me down. While I was a student, I never failed any subject, was not brilliant but manage to crawl slowly. And when ever I was not successful I use to push my self to the extreme to achieve that. But now giving up on things has become so easy that it has started to scare me.

I use to be a very strong and controlled person. I could easily keep my mind straight on what I wanted to be. Now I am easily distracted and can easily lose control of sight. Anyway, I tend to agree with Chiara, maybe we are becoming old.

Dont tell me

Ohi mate, u r sounding like you have become just like our neighbour grumpy old b*st*rd. Well to tell this happens when you live away from civilization. You lagged behind in this fast pace world and catching up requires a lot of effort and energy, some like grumpy old b*st*rd give up and accept the life of loneliness and become like what he is, the king of his own world. But some get rid of this feeling and dive in the spirit of liveliness.

Well to be honest, i need to see a doctor I am talking too positive these days.......... and I'm starting to miss old pessimist me!!!!